If that was your dad, he is hot
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
there is puke in my bra ... again
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
