I looked at my own cervix.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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