so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
