I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
