Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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