I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
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