i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
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