Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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