I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
