Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
