So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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