I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Randomize
