tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
