??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
