You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
