And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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