I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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