Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
