I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
