Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
