I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
