yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
