i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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