i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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