Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
