I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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