I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
