broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Randomize
