tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Randomize
