Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
