The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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