if i can run in heels then i can drive
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
