I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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