I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
