I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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