the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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