My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes