don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
