OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
