Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat