ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
