I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
