That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
