speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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