I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
