My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
