so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Randomize
