I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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