does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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