Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
