Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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