Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
