dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
